espresso and snow

Written on my 25th birthday, 20th November 2012.
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It’s my 25th birthday today and I guess I’ve been reflecting. Looking back at where I was “this time last year”. I do that a lot.

On my 24th Birthday I woke up with a girl in my bed. My girlfriend. A year has passed and now she’s my ex girlfriend. It’s crazy to look back and think at how things have changed since then.

This time last year I was in a completely different place in my life. I was madly in love. I was happier than I’d ever been before. I was excited for what that love would bring and where it would go. I was unsure what would happen but I knew that it was love and that it was the best thing that had ever happened to me. It lasted five more months.

I still think it was the best thing to happen to me. For many reasons. It taught me so much. About myself and about life. I now know what it’s like to truly love and be loved. I know that I can be in a serious relationship. It has helped me confirm what I want out of a relationship and out of life in general. I’m more experienced as a boyfriend, a best friend and a lover.

Almost seven months have passed since we broke up. That was the hardest thing that I’ve ever had to deal with. I literally felt broken. I cried buckets. I understood her reason but I didn’t understand why. I don’t think I ever will. I didn’t blame myself because there was no reason to. We parted without any ill feelings or animosity, which is the best way. It made it more difficult at first because I had nobody to blame or hate, but in the long run it means I’m left with only fond memories of our time together.

I’ve grown as a person since returning to single life. I’m a lot stronger than I was. My friends told me the break up would harden me up and strengthen my soul. And it has. I’m still a soppy romantic but I feel like I’m on top of my feelings now.

I do worry sometimes that when I find someone else, I won’t be capable of loving them as much as I loved her. I worry that I’ll hold back my love for fear of losing again. But at the same time I’m confident that when the right person comes along it won’t matter. After all, the love that we had greatly outweighs the loss that I experienced. I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Putting love aside, I’m more comfortable in my career. This time last year I was happy with my job, but I didn’t know where I was going. Having a girlfriend meant I had plans not only for me but for us. I had plans to move at some point. Move jobs. I convinced myself that was what I wanted. And I think in some ways it really was. We make sacrifices for the ones we love. Moving would have been a challenge. To some extent I still do like that idea. But I’m also happy with where I am. I enjoy what I’m doing, who I’m working with and how I’m progressing. It’s not ideal being located in my home town, I’d like to get away, but for now I’m content. And I’m planning for me. I want to move out. Possibly buy a house at some point. I need to look into it and decide if I can afford it and where it will be. It’s an exciting thought. So in that sense I guess I’m happier with how things are now than how they were then.

I’ve also been exercising a lot more over the past year, particularly over the last seven months. I guess it’s something I’ve thrown myself into. It’s been a way to improve myself and something I’ve done just for me. Swimming is now something I’m passionate about as is working out, keeping in shape and eating well. I am feeling the physical benefits and it’s definitely something that makes me happy.

I don’t often do this the other way round and wonder where I’ll be or what I’ll be doing in a year’s time. I guess because it’s kind of scary to think about the future. That’s probably why I don’t often make serious New Year’s resolutions. But I think it’s probably healthier if we do look into the future, make goals and set ourselves targets.

If my 26th year is anything like my 25th then there’ll be more than enough to write about in 365 days time. I want to be living somewhere else by then. I don’t know if I’ll be changing jobs, but I’m sure I’ll have more responsibility and experience. I want to be maintaining the level of exercise and physical activity that I am at the moment, and possibly be doing more and be fitter. I’d like to be in another relationship, but I don’t want to wish for that because I think it’s healthier to just go with the flow and let these things happen.

Before I met my ex I was in a good place, that was this time two years ago. I wasn’t long out of university. I knew who I was and I was happy with myself and where I was. I was happy being single. I wasn’t getting over anyone or worrying about finding love. And it just happened. I don’t feel like I’m in that place right now.

I think I’m getting there. I feel like I’m getting over her. I still miss her and think about her a lot, but the pain has reduced significantly.

There’s a theory that you need to meet the next one before you can fully get over the last one. I think it may be true, or that it may help. I just want to get back to that good place I was at before I met the last one. If I haven’t met the next one by my next birthday I want to at least be in that place.

I want to read this note in a year’s time and be happy with what I wrote and where I’ve come since. Even if I haven’t done everything I say I intend to, I hope I can smile and be proud of what I have achieved.

I used to look out of my window at night, 
at the stars and the moon, 
and wonder where you were at that exact moment.
the one I would end up with.

when I found her 
I thought that she was who I’d been wondering about. 
I thought I’d found you.
and I wanted to know what she’d been doing

but now she’s gone 

once again I look out of my window at night,
at the stars and the moon,
and wonder where you are at this exact moment.
the one I will end up with.

- About an ex. September 2012   

I ran up that eerily familiar hill to meet you.
Before half ten you said.

All I’d had was a lager and an ale.
I could tell you were drunk by the way that you spoke.
Somehow I found it cute and endearing.
Most of the time you seem so mature for your age,
but right then you seemed like a girl.
I think it was just the difference in soberness.
You hugged me and out slipped those three words.
I repeated them back and felt them too.
Later you realised exactly what you had said.
Somehow you were upset and distant.
I told you I meant it,
You freaked out a little.
For a few minutes we talked.
The way you were:
Inebriated
Shocked
Confused
Closed
For a few minutes as we stood there,
you reminded me of her;
the one I never got the chance to love;
who really only ever thought of herself;
innocently playing with people without knowing what she wanted.
You mean so much more to me now than she ever did.
It feels like a crime to even compare.
You aren’t like her.
You aren’t like that.
I don’t want to ever look at you like that again.
I don’t want to ever let you go.
Because I do love you.

- About an ex. September 2011